As I look back at all the relationships that didn’t work out (that I wanted so badly at the time), I realize that in each case, there were early warning signs each man gave me that might have given me insight into the heartbreak I was experiencing. about to experience if only he had been aware of what to look for. To spare you what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what to watch out for, here’s my list of the warning signs that clearly let you know this is a guy to avoid if you’re in a real relationship. ‘What are you looking for.

1. He doesn’t call you when he says he will.

Of course, I know that sometimes life can get away with it, and if he’s working late on that big project with a looming deadline, time might slip from time to time. But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re not a priority for him right now. If a guy is really interested in starting (or continuing) a real relationship with you, he will be on his mind and won’t forget to call you.

2. He is often late and does not call to tell you.

I know there are many reasons people might be late that are out of your control (traffic jam, problems, being stuck in the office), but a quick call from your cell phone will put your mind at ease and let you know you have some minutes more to try on that other outfit you were still considering. The point here is to be respectful of your time: We can forgive tardiness, even chronic tardiness (some people just aren’t good at judging how long something will take), but not calling to let you know it’s going to be a while. afternoon? That is inexcusable and a sure sign that he is not too concerned about you.

3. He doesn’t show up at all (and doesn’t call) when you plan to see him.

Okay, ladies, unless he was (probably) unconscious in a hospital somewhere, getting stood up is a “one hit and you’re out” offense. There’s absolutely no good reason for this (except the above), and if you stay with him after a stunt like that, you’re going to find yourself on a bumpy emotional ride that’s almost certain to end badly. Cell phone reception is excellent these days (unless you’re a lumberjack working in the big northern woods), so this one is inexcusable.

4. He has rules about how often he can see you.

It’s one thing to have the guys’ “Wednesday Poker Night” or something, but if you’re only willing to meet, say, every other weekend (with the exception of a child custody situation) , then that’s a sure sign that he’s keeping his options open and still scouring the market for something better (at least in his mind, he just doesn’t realize you’re the best there is!).

5. He knows a lot more about you than you do about him.

If you find that you’re the only one talking during conversations and when you ask him something about himself he doesn’t say much, it may be because he’s hiding something or because he doesn’t want to get too close to you. A lot of guys are just not very talkative, but if he hasn’t told you the details of where he works, where he grew up, went to school, etc., and if he gives you vague answers when you ask him about these details, then that means he’s keeping you. from distance.

6. You know a lot more about him than he does about you.

This is the flip side of the ultimate warning sign: If you’re so busy talking about yourself and showing no interest in who you are, what you like to do, or what your idea of ​​the future is, this should be a real red flag. The good news about this one is that there is no danger of taking it personally, it is about him. It has nothing to do with you, this type of person is not interested in anyone except himself. Stay clear (very clear).

7. He doesn’t tell anyone about you. (Read: Nobody knows he has a girlfriend – YOU)

If he doesn’t introduce you to his friends, or asks you to hang out with them from time to time, go to a party or meet up with them, that’s a sure sign that he’s not sure about everything. Of course, you may not want to spend a lot of time with their friends, especially if they’re a group of partying singles, but they should at least to know about you, and it should be its decision. The way they treat you when you’re around can also be a great tell-tale sign of how things are going or will go; if they treat you like “yes, you are the bride of the month, I will speak”. for you if you can get through week 4″, then that’s a sign of what’s likely to come next.

8. He doesn’t invite you to meet his family, ever.

Of course, inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn’t happen until he feels like this is going somewhere. So that’s it: if time is running out and he hasn’t invited you to meet his family yet, chances are he has second thoughts about the relationship. There is a possibility that your family will embarrass you. I have a good friend whose husband’s family (consisting of his elderly mother and his aunt, who raised him together and still live together) is essentially, well, slightly disturbed. They look like the stereotypical “bag ladies,” and even showed up to my friends’ nuptials with several layers of tattered clothing and some of their belongings in what were essentially reusable shopping bags. But he had told her about them quite early in their relationship, and she finally met them. And let me just say that as far as mildly disturbed people go, they are very sweet (I met them at the wedding) and they did a great job raising their son/nephew.

So the bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time, just to put a number on it, say over 6 months, and he still hasn’t invited you to meet his family, it’s certainly time to question him. resulting. If she still hasn’t introduced you? It’s time to start planning your exit strategy.

9. Does not spend the holidays with you.

I know there are situations, like when a divorced man wants to spend time with his kids at a family party, but he can still make time for you before or after your family time. Everyone knows how special holidays are to us women, and if he doesn’t know that, then that’s a sign of other problems (for example, not being thoughtful or considerate of your feelings). If he just goes on a surf vacation to Bali with his friends during the holidays because that’s when it’s less crowded and you’re not invited, then clearly you’re a low priority for him.

10. She has a lot of girlfriends and makes sure you know it.

In my experience, “platonic” friendships are rarely that, if ever: there are almost always some feelings going in one direction. Either the guy harbors secret feelings for the girl, or vice versa. And when a guy is in a relationship, he has a lot less time to spend with his friends. Why the hell would he choose to spend that precious time with another woman? Well, there are a number of reasons why you might, and they all involve one deep-seated problem or another, and none of them are good. And make sure he knows? That’s just playing around, and just another reason to go out and find an emotionally healthy man to be in a relationship with.

11. Doesn’t tell you what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.

If your guy likes to keep you guessing, there’s a reason. This is another sure sign that he is keeping his options open. In a healthy relationship there are no hiding places or secrets. If you’re not being open and direct about his whereabouts, then stop worrying about it, just move on.

12. He doesn’t discuss his plans for the future with you.

I am everything to live the moment and enjoy the “now”. But eventually in a relationship a discussion about future plans has to come up; otherwise, you’ll never know if the two are sailing together or headed for different continents. If he doesn’t at least occasionally talk about the future with you, chances are, in his opinion, you’re not in it.

13. He lets you know that he had a life without you and him yet has a life without you.

I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all the fun times he’s had with his friends. But if he still remembers the escapades of his single life after your relationship went to the next level, or worse, he plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is that he still wants to be single. . Leave it alone.

14. You feel that if you could change yourself and don’t be so needythis would all work out.

This is by far the biggest warning sign of all. If you start to feel like there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re doing something wrong that’s causing him to pull away, and maybe if you’d just give him more of the freedom he wants, and wait for him quietly, and… well, you get it Don’t fall into this trap. if you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings,real taking care of, real consideration, and real romance, and he doesn’t, then he’s not the right man for you and let him (and you) go.

So if you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, this is probably not a guy who’s looking for a real relationship right now, or at least not the kind he’s looking for. His best bet is to walk away gracefully, with his self-esteem intact, and not look back (even if he after starts calling you and chasing you, that’s just a sign of a player with deeper problems). Instead of trying to make it change or waiting for it to change, try to focus on your and why are you in a relationship with someone like that. If you find yourself in this type of relationship often, which many of us do, it’s time for you to do some real soul-searching to get to the root of it. If you have access to good counseling, take advantage of it, as this is often the only way to truly heal. And it will be worth it in the long run, to overcome the cycle of toxic relationships and to be able to move on to the type of true and sustainable love that you want to attract into your life.

Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in this, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there really is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for, and to treat you the best. how you deserve to be treated. It is by believing in ourselves, trusting our instincts and discovering who we really are and what it is that we are really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives. the one that does not come with red flags. And you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been through.

It’s all out there waiting for you!