“The most important thing to remember when co-parenting is to always strive to protect your children from conflict.”
Everyone who has been through this knows that co-parenting takes effort. There is no easy way to properly plan, coordinate, and execute all aspects of a child’s life, especially when you must do so in two separate households, with a self-centered and uncooperative team member.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible.
The notion of co-parenting with such a person does not exist.
Get that thought out of your brain.
Eliminate the term co-parenting from your dialect entirely. You need a better plan and approach.
Forget trying to follow normal co-parenting guidelines. It will be ineffective with your narcissistic ex and cause you to lose your sanity. You don’t want to lose your health; your children need you. You have the job of providing a non-narcissistic family dynamic so that you have a 50/50 chance of preventing your child from becoming a self-contained human like your ex.
There are so many problems when trying to co-parent with a narcissist. You can’t be effective when you work with someone who refuses to cooperate. Here are some problems and solutions to the long, tedious, and painful task ahead of you if you try to parent a narcissist:
PROBLEM 1: Limits exceeded
Boundary crossing is one of the biggest issues when co-parenting with a narcissist. Any attempt to communicate with the narcissist will make him believe that he has the right to push your limits. It can range from name calling, profanity or other such exchange during pickups, to nasty yelling attacking doctors during visits, to constant emails, texts and calls filled with nasty threats. The problem will persist unless you fix it. This is where you grow a big pair and put your foot down. You should set a set of limits from day one and you should stick to them. An established set of boundaries means a structure that will provide a safe, predictable, and secure buffer for your kids from your ex’s crafty psychological crap. Make no mistake: The emotional roller coaster at the mercy of a narcissistic parent can have a detrimental effect on a child’s development.
How do you set the limits?
You can take a variety of approaches, but whatever you do, you have to stick with it. Just make sure you’re always the adult. Start by calling them about their behavior every time it happens. From giving you a complaint that you’re a few minutes late, to acting like a jerk during a parent-teacher conference, to refusing to give your kids prescription drugs, be sure to let them know it’s not okay to act like a class kid. just because they feel like it.
Just remember to never do this in person, and most importantly, never feed your narcissistic ex’s ego by retaliating in front of the kids. Remember that the narcissist will take advantage of every communication attempt on his part to push his buttons, and he must not fall for the bait. Your children are watching. Be the one with the balls.
If possible, limit all communications to email messages. Narcissists do not like others to set limits on them. You must stand firm in your decision. Remember: you are your child’s advocate and protector.
PROBLEM 2: Total lack of communication
Communication with a narcissistic person is non-existent. Trying to reach out to a narcissist to co-parent is like trying to land on the moon in a hot air balloon: it just won’t work, no matter how much effort you put into it. Don’t waste your time on that, you need all your energy for your children. The narcissist thrives on trying to keep you committed, usually for negative reasons and seeking negative results. Do not fall in the trap. They feed on your weakness when you continue to respond to their verbal or written nonsense. Don’t do it, do the meditation video instead. You must free yourself from the vicious circle of communication that entangles you. Learn not to give a fuck. Not worth it.
How do you solve communication problems with a narcissist?
On your part, you can’t. Leave that already. In a world of co-parenting, you can’t expect your narcissistic ex to communicate. Having false expectations sucks, but it’s better to know where you stand: don’t think for a second that a narcissist will communicate anything about anyone other than himself. His feelings of grandeur are too established and magnified to consider him important enough to receive information. Which leaves you with the task of having to communicate with your narcissistic ex about your children, and everyone who has ever had to call their narcissistic ex with a child-related question knows that never ends well. This is where the wine glass comes in handy. No, I’m not suggesting that you hammer yourself and call your ex. Please never do that, especially with a narcissist. It’s like investing fuel in the wrong direction.
The rule is simple: Unless there’s an emergency that both of you need to address, which requires a phone call, limit your communication to emails and, if necessary, texts when contacting your ex. If the situation is too conflicting for you to handle, you can request that all communication with your ex go through a program designed to address communication between high-conflict co-parenting relationships, such as Our Family Wizard and Talking Parents. There are others out there, and many of them have apps. The idea is to avoid giving them ammunition to create high conflict situations that annoy you and end up responding like a baby, acting like your ex. No, hell no. Keep in mind that your email responses are most likely full of negative words projecting their anger, discontent, resentment, and of course, narcissistic tendencies towards you. Let go. Let it all go.
NUMBER 3: Push the button
Regardless of the length of your relationship, narcissists have the uncanny ability to irritate you and get under your skin like no other motherfucker on this planet, especially after a divorce. From personal attacks via email, text messages, and during deliveries and pickups, the narcissist will go to great lengths to encourage you and get you to respond, retaliate, respond. Do not do it. Remember: let all that shit go. It makes them feel important. Powerful. And it’s extremely pathetic that you fell for it. Seriously, WTF? You are your child’s advocate and protector. So when he starts his narcissistic need to engage you in contention, whether it’s because he’s giving you a complaint because you were five minutes late or because you had to send someone else to pick up the kid, your narcissistic ex finds a way to say or do. something that pushes your buttons to the limit.
How do you stop pressing the buttons?
Although it sounds impossible, you must develop a calm, cool and collected communication style with your ex. Stick to short, monotonous, strictly child-related, boring, and business answers. Treat the relationship like you have a permanent job and have to communicate with your idiot boss. Read your ex’s emails carefully and limit your response to matters relevant to co-parenting.
If you’re too upset that his comments are too much, you can hit a pillow, call your best friend, or rant to your mom about what a jerk he is, but don’t fall for the bait. No matter what they say, don’t respond in an angry way. You need to keep calm and be corporate. Remember, the happiness of your children comes first. You are their advocate and protector. Don’t fall for that garbage.
NUMBER 4: Children are far from dumb, they are in them
As their defender and protector, you will do everything in your power to protect your children from conflict. This is an uphill battle carrying sacks of stones, while walking on broken glass, blindfolded, while being hit with your own belt. You cannot control the way a narcissist behaves and acts around children. Their only hope is that one day they will tire of their corporate, boring, monotonous email responses and lack of desire to participate, and find another target for their narcissism. You must make sure that it is not one of children.
How do I keep my kids from realizing that my ex is a selfish jerk?
The answer is: you can’t. It’s impossible to protect your children from the unknown, and your ex’s erratic narcissistic behavior is unpredictable enough to qualify as unknown. There is nothing you can do about your rants and yelling in public and your children witnessing this. Depending on their age, they will form their own age-appropriate images of their other parent. Just make sure you’re always there for them, corny as it sounds. Watching your ex act like an ape in front of the kids can be a little gratifying, but heartbreaking at the same time. Your children love this person.
NUMBER 5: Turn the kids against you, you son of a bitch!
It is almost a given that a narcissistic ex will poison the children against the other parent. After all, they should be the ones that always look good. They will talk bad about you to the children, and they will probably tell lies about the way the marriage ended. They will try to turn their children against you in any way they can. And if they have one of those clan-type families, then they have reinforcements.
What can I do to prevent this?
Nothing. You do not have to do anything. You are the defender and protector of your children. Children tend to gravitate towards the father who allows them to grow independently. A narcissistic parent is the direct contradiction of that. A narcissistic parent will try to force a child into a specific type of development: the one he experiences as he grows up. He will be the only acceptable one.
Your job will be:
To nurture your child’s uniqueness and independence, and allow them to grow into their own person. Your narcissistic ex will have a hard time when their children want their own independence. Just be there for them.
To make sure that you are the calm parent who considers the impact of your actions on your child.
Teach and model social/emotional intelligence. Your child will grow up soon, if not older, and be able to make abstract observations. Be honest. Be age appropriate. I’m a believer in telling it like it is. Period.
Being the parent who doesn’t criticize, poison, or speak ill of your ex in front of your children.
Stop trying to co-parent your narcissistic ex. It doesn’t work. Be smart. be better Be Wise. Be the one to let your guard down for the well-being of your children.
It’s THEIR time to shine, and they can do it with both parents who love them.
