How to deal with lead singer disease (LSD)

Don’t worry, moms and dads, this post isn’t about a hallucinogenic pill. It’s about much worse things: LEAD SINGER’S ILLNESS!

However, before I get into that and push my vocal brothers away, I want to give you two versions of the same joke, just to show that I can be self-deprecating too. Funny singers, so loosen up your leather pants!

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer: 7 – one to do it and six to sit back and say they could have done better.

Well, how many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer 1: You just hold the light bulb and the world revolves around you.

So true, so true – on both counts.

You see, I’ve been playing guitar since I was 13 or 14 years old (no, I don’t know exactly how old I was, I didn’t plan on walking on water and writing my memoirs to preserve my trip!). I started playing in clubs when I was around 18 or 19 years old (again, the walking on water thing). I’m pretty old now (well, I’m 40 at the time of this writing). So that’s 27 years of playing (I actually sang along with my drummer when I started playing in a band, so that was my LSD period).

Okay, so 27 years of playing with a TON of different singers and you know what? I’ve only had one singer through all of this who wasn’t suffering from this dreaded disease, and it took me 24 years to find her!

You’ll know you’ve found one when you hear any of the following statements delivered with the subtlety of a lion’s roar when a goofy hyena is trying to steal its food:

“Hey, this PA is mine and we’ll play whatever I want.”

“Dude, you sound great, but you’re going over my voice.”

“I’m amazing!”

“Everyone come to see me!”

“Hey bro, turn my mic up to the max.”

“No man, I don’t do road stuff.”

“I’ll see you at the concert.” What he really means is: I’ll see you at the concert 5 minutes before we start playing.

“Steve Perry sucks, man. I can sing to that sucker any day!”

“Hey me AM Van Halen, man!” (Sorry this is from my past, couldn’t help but put it there)

Oh yeah, that reminds me, if they have three names, then you know they’re already chewing on the LSD pill. See: David Lee Roth, Ronnie James Dio, Axel Freakin’ Rose.

Or, if they have a name, you can bet LSD is chronic. See: Elvis, Mariah, Celine, Mikey (Just kidding, bro, I love you! A little inside joke for me and my gang.)

And it goes on and on and on and on and on and on…

So my young guitar hero, how do you deal with LSD?

Just like any bad trip gone wrong, just let it go…let it go. And keep telling yourself, “This is just a fantasy and it will be over soon.”

Seriously, there’s not much you can do because most singers don’t live in reality.

Have you ever seen American Idol? So a lot of those people just can’t sing. Simon rips those guys apart and tries to bring them back to this planet, but they NEVER listen! They just say how stupid Simon is, while he’s making 10 billion dollars and they had to take a break from the fry station.

Hey, money isn’t everything, but the man got to where he is for a reason, you’d think he’d listen, take the free advice and use it to improve himself. Well, it’s not their fault they can’t, they’re high on LSD!

What amazes me is that I’ve seen singers who just shredded a song, listening to themselves on a recording, and I’ve seen them personally, with my own eyes, and I’ve heard them scream with my own ears something like this: ” Hell yes”. – I hit upon!

Amazing!

So you can’t criticize them, you can’t show them by showing them their debacle, what can you do?

Well, first you have to know your prey. You have to understand that they are basically naked in front of a bunch of strangers hanging their wares out in front of the world for them to see. To do that, they HAVE to have a tough skin and a lot of confidence. We have our guitars to hide behind.

Also, we can feel like shit, be sick, be tired, be any number of things, and keep acting as long as the fingers work. Singers, on the other hand, are victims of their voice. Their the body is your instrument, so any number of things can improve that.

Plus, we don’t even have to Really Listen to us so we can play in key. And if we can’t hear ourselves, we just turn it up to 11! Not singers! It’s about your ability to project. Nowadays, since they banned the eunuchs, the screening just isn’t going to happen. That’s why, as a guitar player, you’ll hear the inevitable phrase, “Dude, turn it down a little.”

Actually, you have to pity the fools (thanks Mr. T).

So now that we know the beast we’re dealing with, what do you do?

I’ve found that the best way to handle this is the same way I handle a 3 year old:

  • Use a calm and comfortable voice
  • Don’t be too nervous (very hard to do)
  • praise the good
  • Guide the bad guys with ease
  • Stroke a little ego and paint a picture of greatness

Now this may seem like an easy thing to do, but when that motherfucker is ranting about how lucky you are to have him in the band, that everyone is there to see him, and how your band would be nothing if he wasn’t there, it can be a real mutha to stay CALM!

Excuse me, I’m starting to get nervous! Memories.

Let’s say your singer just dropped bits for an entire song and you feel the need to let her know. You could say something like this: “Man, I liked the part where (you think of something, but it has to be believable and it has to be something you want him/her to repeat). The way you did it, man, I think so. I’d do this (fix the part you messed up real) then that would blow people’s minds. Try it and we’ll check it out.”

And keep this kind of supporting dialogue going until the LSD wears off a bit (it may never go away).

This is much more difficult to accomplish when you’re playing live, but can be done in a break between songs or sets.

Apart from finding another singer, that’s really all you can do. And good luck finding another singer who isn’t afflicted. Remember it took me 25 years!

It goes without saying that if you play in a band or associate with any musicians, you will eventually come across someone affected by LSD.

Hey, like me at the beginning, it can be you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *