It is possible to dissolve your marriage to your ex-spouse, but it is not possible, and never will be possible, to dissolve your co-parenting relationship. She will always be the mother of your child. He will always be your daughter’s father. She thought she was free, free, free at last, but the bond with her son’s other parent can never be undone.
Here are some inescapable truths that it would be good to accept sooner rather than later:
1. You may be happy that you don’t have to deal with your ex every day, but your children may still have regular interactions that will affect them.
As long as they were still married and still living in the same house, they were still keeping an eye on each other. If your wife did something to upset the children, you were there to step in and mitigate the situation. If she let them watch inappropriate movies or kept them up very late or let them go to school dressed inappropriately, she still had an influence. Once she is divorced, her children are alone when they spend time with her. You have no control over who you introduce them to, or even who you leave them with. You have the right to ask your alcoholic mother or your neighbor whom you hardly know to take care of you.
2. You should be much more careful about your relationship with a former spouse than you are about your spouse.
Let’s say you and your ex-spouse split your time with the children 50-50. With the approval of a judge, a custody schedule is established. Now let’s say your parents are coming to town and the only time they can come is your husband’s weekend. If you have not established a good relationship with him, why should you be flexible and change the weekends so that the children can see their grandparents?
The irony is that to have any attraction, you have to be kinder, more sensitive, and a better communicator than when you were married. You have to show more concern and listen more deeply. Skills like active listening will help keep the lines of communication open. The more your ex-spouse feels that you really care about their happiness, the more open they will be to your suggestions and requests.
3. Your life will get better when your former spouse’s life improves.
As much as you may have fantasies about your ex-wife’s life falling apart (I used to dream of pouring sugar into my ex’s gas tank), remember, that’s like wishing your children’s lives would fall apart too. 50% of the time. Do you want your children to be happy. You want his life to be stable. Her ex-spouse has a job that satisfies her, that pays well, that has benefits, all of which will make her life easier. As much as you may get some secret satisfaction from seeing her bothered by, say, her car breaking down, it will be her children standing in front of the school waiting to be picked up. And even if that’s not the case, you want the parent of your children to be as relaxed and happy as possible so that they have the resources of calm and patience necessary for good parenting.
4. Nothing in your relationship is about whether you are right or wrong, whether things are fair or unfair: the only metric that will matter to you is whether it is good for the kids or not.
When you are still in the marriage, it is important to do everything you can to strengthen the relationship because a strong marriage supports children’s development. However, once you are divorced, the first filter through which you evaluate any decision will be the effect on the children. That is not easy! It can be difficult to see what will be best for your children in the future. When your ex-husband remarries, for example, you may be heartbroken that another woman will comb your daughter’s hair, read her a bedtime story, and throw her into bed. That’s your job! How could it be good for your girl that you don’t do that for her? But a stepmom can give you a lot: love, advice, structure, support, a different perspective. You can even help your ex-husband be a better father.
5. Children can accept many changes as long as they believe that both parents believe that change is for the best. Your job is to make your children believe that you support your ex-spouse.
As upset as I may be that your ex is remarrying, it becomes your job to speak well of your daughter’s stepmother and be excited for your daughter for her participation in the wedding. Never burden your daughter with your doubts and fears for her. Instead, reassure her that her stepmother will love her and will do what is best for her. From time to time things can happen that are quite different from the way you handle them. Tell your daughter that her stepmother is smart and has lots of good ideas. Let’s give this one a try. (Unless you really are an evil person, in the grand scheme of things, everything will work out.)
6. Even when the children turn 18 and the legal custody schedule expires, you will still have to deal with the other parent of your children.
A divorced parent used to say, “Wait until high school graduation. Then we won’t have to play this game anymore.” Incorrect. So wrong. Once the child is free from a custody schedule, he has to decide for himself how much time he will spend at Mom’s house and how long at Dad’s. What was a legal ruling becomes a matter of convenience or a popularity contest. Young adults remain essentially self-centered creatures. They will gravitate towards whatever house is easier. Maybe Dad’s house is easier because it’s in the city where most of his friends are. Maybe mom’s house is easier because she can retreat to the basement and the big screen TV and basically be left alone in her own man cave. Also, the lack of a clear custody schedule makes it much easier for a parent to manipulate the children, either with guilt or with direct kickbacks from cars or iPhones or whatever is hot today. .
7. Even when the children grow up and move out, you will still have to deal with the other parent of your children.
Don’t you want to be close to your son’s wedding? Don’t you want to take your daughter down the hall? Toast the happy couple? Being at the birth of your first grandchild? On the grandson’s first birthday? You can see the list goes on. Again, the irony of your post-divorce life is that you want to have the best possible relationship with your child’s other parent. You may want to wish her for Hades, but if your ex-spouse is not in the picture, there will be a big hole in your son’s heart that you won’t be able to fill. In everyday life, her child may not miss her other parent, but when she receives that award or a big promotion, a part of her will be thinking, “Look, Dad, what I did! Wouldn’t you be proud? from my? “
Your ex spouse never has to become a good friend, but you should love someone with whom you feel kind. You should strive to be interested in general in how he is doing and what is going on in his life. You should at least be warmly cordial. Think about how you would like your child’s in-laws to treat you. You don’t need to go out for drinks together, but you do need to have a nice conversation at the 4th of July barbecue.
The bottom line here is that, like inter-nation diplomacy, the more it is in natural opposition, the more important it is to work toward detente. Not only is it the safest way to protect your children, it will also increase your own sense of security and well-being.
Recent Comments