Self-pity: the same as self-love?

People fail. Every now and then they mess up the challenges of family relationships, lifestyle, work, etc. And when they make a mistake, they suffer adverse consequences. It’s no wonder, then, that we talk about being kind and understanding to those who fail, who are struggling financially, emotionally, or interpersonally. But when it comes to our own problems, do we feel that we should show the same consideration, the same kindness, the same tolerance? Don’t we need to take care of ourselves in addition to taking care of others? The mindfulness movement advocates that we practice self-compassion.

“Self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be good friends to ourselves when we need it most, to become an internal ally rather than an internal enemy.” (Kristein Neff and Christopher Germer, Mindfulness Teachers)

Why is self-compassion needed?

“We all wish we had a perfect childhood, with a mother and father who modeled ideal parenting attitudes and taught us to internalize the principles of self-love. Many of us, however, did not.” (Marianne Williamson, American author, spiritual leader, politician, and activist).

Self-pity and self-criticism

One can be sympathetically honest with a good friend about their weaknesses or mistakes.

“Sure, the job of high school teachers isn’t to destroy students ‘self-esteem. But it’s certainly not to inflate students’ sense of self-worth with a bunch of undeserved compliments and half-truths.” (LZ Granderson, American journalist)

Similarly, having self-compassion and accepting our own faults does not mean agreeing with them. Honest self-acceptance can lead us to correct our mistakes. Self-assessment is the critical first step toward personal change.

We can be self-critical without indulging in harsh self-criticism. Unless we look honestly at ourselves, we run the risk of justifying ourselves, which amounts to self-deception.

Self pity and self pity

One can feel sympathy for one’s own situation without being self-absorbed and wallowing in self-pity.

“Self-pity is never helpful. It tends to distort like a funhouse mirror.” (Anne Roiphe, American feminist and author)

“Discontent, guilt, complaints, self-pity cannot serve as the basis for a good future, no matter how hard you try.” (Eckhart Tolle, spiritual author and teacher)

Complacency

One can be kind to oneself without having to binge on self-indulgence or spend a lot of money. Self-compassion is compatible with self-control.

I would suggest that there has been pressure on people to look perfect accentuated by celebrity culture. This has led to inappropriate feelings, especially in many women exploited by advertising.

“L’Oreal’s catchphrase ‘because you’re worth it’ has come to epitomize the banal narcissism of early 21st century capitalism; easy indulgence and effortless self-respect, all available with a swipe of the credit card.” (Geoff Mulgan, British political and social writer)

Own interest

Loving yourself is good. Because unless we love ourselves, how can we hope to love others? Similarly, without self-respect, how could we respect others?

You need a balance between loving yourself and loving others. There is a big difference between, on the one hand, having enough love and compassion for oneself and, on the other hand, narcistic self-love. The latter amounts to prioritizing self-love, which will never lead to compassion for others in need. Because when self-love rules, it results in self-service, self-interest, and selfishness.

“A modest dose of self-love is completely healthy. Who would want to live in a world where everyone hates themselves? But if it goes too far, it soon becomes poisonous.” (Geoff Mulgan)

Lack of self-compassion blocks compassion for others.

Compassion for others can seem like a difficult task. This is especially the case for those of us who lack self-pity. But it is a higher calling.

Compassion is the key to living outside the confines of your lower self. (Debbie Ford, American author and self-help coach))

Can self-compassion, as we have defined it, really help us find this deeper concern for others?

“Self-compassion encourages mindfulness, or being aware of your feelings without judgment; kindness to yourself, or talking to yourself in a reassuring way; and common humanity, or thinking about how others might be suffering similarly.” (Rachel Simmons, American author)

How can we take care of others if we cannot practice self-care? How can we be kind to others unless we are kind to ourselves? However, when we accept our own hardship and unhappiness, we can better recognize that of others. Our pain is part of the shared human experience. We all make mistakes and experience difficulties in life. As Kristein Neff and Christopher Germer point out, we are all faulty work in progress. When we see this, it helps us feel connected to others in the same boat as ourselves. It facilitates a compassionate attitude towards our common humanity.

Self-compassion and Christian heritage

I see this growing interest in self-pity as a healthy reaction against an unfortunate aspect of our Western Christian heritage. In my opinion, this has been a somewhat punitive notion of God. Assume that if there is a possibility that God, who is love and mercy, does not want to forgive us for any fault.

According to the analysis of the spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg, this erroneous attitude stems from treating the biblical image of multiple deity as literally true when its meaning is metaphorical. Not three gods, but three aspects of the one God. As a result of this mistake, a common image of God the Father has been that of wanting humanity to suffer from falling by the wayside. It is assumed that this anger could only be appeased by the sacrifice of God the Son.

I would argue that this erroneous notion of deity has given rise to the traditional idea of ​​”original sin.” If true, such a doctrine would mean that we are all born guilty and sinners who deserve harsh treatment.

Such a negative view has permeated our ways of thinking. Unsurprisingly, we are quick to criticize our own shortcomings, failures, and wrongdoing as justifying bad luck, punishment, or rejection. And some of us actually condemn ourselves as unworthy of respecting ourselves and caring for others. However, the Gospel is clear about our proper attitude toward ourselves.

“You love your neighbor as yourself” (Jesus Christ)

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