The dark side of online dating: getting dumped and getting over it

When you go out, you run the risk of being dumped. When you go online, the risk of being dumped multiplies. In this post, I’m going to see why dumping is inevitable and why you shouldn’t worry (too much). I’ll finish with a look at the different types of dumps you can experience. The grand finale is an emergency plan to survive a really painful landfill.

Why is dumping unavoidable online?

Being abandoned sucks. Nobody likes to be left. In evolutionary terms, we are prepared to avoid rejection at all costs. Generations before us depends on, well, not being dumped. Avoiding pain is critical to human survival. This is just as true when you reach into a campfire as it is when your heart burns fiercely.

As safe as eggs are eggs, if you go online, they will (almost certainly) drop you a few times. Perhaps even more times than it is polite. If you are a stranger to the experience of being abandoned, this could be a funny little surprise. However, it is an integral part of online dating. This is why –

Dating companies don’t sell relationships per se. They sell access to a network of people. The relationship / love is a possibility, not a fact. It would be unwise to realistically view every person you meet on the way to the grocery store as a potential life partner. Despite the dating “filter,” it is also good practice to apply a little grocery store realism to online dating.

Messaging is just a reflection of how you might get along in person. It’s easy to confuse an online “spark” with an offline spark’s money-back guarantee. You really have to meet in person to realize the distorted circus mirror that is sending emails or texts. This is possibly the main reason why dumps that occur online outnumber the number of dumps that occur offline. Minimize disappointment with a pre-date phone call.

They cannot be properly scanned online. Get together at work and you’ll have a chance to check each other out in terms of visual appeal and suitability while pretending not to be doing that at all. When online dating has to meet on a “date”, a heady gathering for the sole purpose of seeing each other in the harsh light of romantic intent. Dumps happen easily.

You don’t have the gift of time. Have you ever been puzzled during a first meeting? And then, in the fullness of time, is it revealed that an innocuous newbie in your social circle is armed with the same charm and powers that bring joy to a little puppy? Online dating requires a person to be evaluated in a single meeting, hence the Petri dish for landfills.

Stage fright dates can be scary and you or your date may not be able to put on your best “show.” Unfortunately, go out with “curtains”.

I don’t want to discourage you from online dating. I want to make you feel bad if you find some garbage cans on your way.

Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Being Dumped (Too Much) –

Online dumps are more common than offline dumps for the reasons discussed above. Let’s now look at the reasons why you shouldn’t worry too much and save your emotional money to spend in the “grand finale” dump, and not before.

For simplicity, anything other than an immediate marriage proposal will be classified as a “garbage can.” Arguably, if you haven’t met in person yet and have only formed a digital connection, the dump won’t have as much impact as a breakup after 3 dates says. For ease, whether in the digital or physical realm, a landfill is a landfill is a landfill.

The most important thing is to try not to worry too much about it either way. Ten encounters or zero encounters, refuse to feel bad. Dumping is just a symptom of the nature of meeting online, not a sign that you are a puppy that cannot be loved.

Don’t feel bad especially because:

It is not so personal; Many times, the je nais sai qua you set online doesn’t translate well in the real world. Nothing personal, just life.

It can be practical: the practicalities that we think don’t matter too much actually do matter, a lot. You live too far away, your job doesn’t leave time, your politics is a soft party, etc.

In the mood for lunch: You may know someone whose heart is multitasking. Maybe they are still in shock from a difficult break. Nothing to do with you, so don’t be sad.

Class Clash: Not always, but people look for matches from the same worlds. I met a date her parents were dropped off at school in a Bentley. My most recent move involved a borrowed grocery cart. The gap was an abyss.

Offline, you can assess whether they could realistically fit into each other’s lives before considering a dating scenario. This process of evaluating a good compatibility can take 2 or 3 dates. 2 or 3 dates that would never happen if they already met in person. The evidence of not being a good match would be pretty obvious.

Diagnose your landfill:

There are as many types of landfills as there are cheeses. I have chosen the most common dump scenarios particular to online dating, starting with …

The “online versus offline” dump

It is possible to message for weeks, have a real digital meeting of minds, and then find each other and realize that you are two strangers who don’t have one iota in common. I had this experience. If said guy had suggested a first date at the altar of a chapel in full bridal lure, maybe he would have considered it. I was so sure that we were a perfect couple.

There was a certain je ne sais qua that existed online, but not in the real world. Two nice people, able to connect online but nowhere else.

The “disappearing fox” landfill

Repeat the above messages for weeks and the digital meeting of minds. Suggest meeting in person and not hearing from them again. Odd.

This is where you should give it a try and not feel bad at all. They haven’t even met you in person to reject you with all your 3D finery. Maybe they like chatting online, but they really didn’t want to meet in real life. Perhaps they are already secretly associated.

A sudden disappearance, although strange, is not reflected in you.

The “practical” landfill

They can overcome the first hurdle of meeting in person, liking each other enough to make a few more dates, and still not make it to relationship land. It could be a case of the “practical garbage can.”

Distance, conflicting beliefs / politics / lifestyle can hit a relationship over the head before the 2-month mark passes, even though you really like each other. This type of trash can is a bit more ouch and difficult to take personally. Especially if you have told the office, your family, and anyone within a 5 mile radius. Ops.

The “maybe there’s someone better” dump

Some people fall in love with the imagined possibility of a “better deal.” The seemingly endless opportunity to meet people online can trick our brains into thinking that there will always be an endless stream of beautiful people lining up to catch up with us, rather than the reality that probably only a handful of people would actually know us. before giving us love. Pink is missing. In this scenario, your current boyfriend might see it as a “wooden spoon” award and wonder if the Walmart heiress is just a few clicks away. Let them click on that case.

The dump of the “grand finale”

Also known as the “I can’t believe you’re abandoning me” dump or the “I’ll never get over this, never ever” dump.

This is the worst and the one we all fear.

Emergency plan to survive the really painful landfill

There is nothing you can do but suffer misery and come out the other side at some point. Despite any advice not to, most of us in response to the final big dump:

> being completely shocked at having ignored the feeling of impending doom that might have indicated that an ending was on the cards all the time

> feeling mortified and miserable and having absolutely no interest in anyone else because the dumper has all its love tokens (for now)

> Talk about it with your friends until they can’t take it anymore.

> Think about it until you can’t take it anymore.

> try to “undo” the dump with calls and text messages, possibly when drunk.

> check our phones for a message with a little sunken heart

> generally thinks about it a lot, feels miserable and wallows in the sadness of loss

Just like being born and meeting your creator, you are terribly alone with the journey back to having a heart beating again. The only suggestion I will make here is that the natural cycle of human behavior comfort me. The gap between feeling poo and feeling good will get bigger and bigger and eventually that aching feeling in your stomach will disappear.

We may never get over the wounds. However, the noise of life will return from the muffled misery of loss and we can store the pain along with all other disappointments in the dark recess of our minds with the “no go” tape and restore the jump in our wake.

Save all your discomfort for this type of garbage and don’t waste your tears on the little ones that happen along the way.

Good luck!

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