The forgotten factor in coping with the death of a loved one

No one is immune to the sad experience of mourning the death of a loved one. However, until death comes into our lives and an important person is no longer with us, our culture teaches us to deny death and minimize its impact on quality of life. Then, if we’re lucky, we get a crash course in grief from a counselor, clergyman, or social worker.

No matter what we learn at the time, we have long been saddled with the burden of half-truths and false beliefs perpetuated by well-meaning adults. These assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to achieve the ultimate goal of all grief: accepting the reality of the loss. Acceptance means saying an intellectual, but more importantly, an emotional “yes” to this great change in our lives.

Acceptance only comes through the concerted efforts of the grieving person. Contrary to old misinformation, time does not heal all wounds, unless the bereaved does their grievance work. Or, as a mother once told me after the death of her 17-year-old son in a car accident: “Time doesn’t help unless you work between the minutes.”

The key understanding is that you must take daily steps toward acceptance and reinvestment in life. All of this is easy to say but hard to do. So what form should the action take? Here are five starts.

1. Talk to yourself every day and night that you will go through this dark soul-searching experience. What you say to yourself not only affects every cell in your body for better or worse, it will greatly affect much-needed action that only you can initiate.

2. Although essential, positive self-talk alone is not a panacea. You have to start engineering small successes to realize that you can adapt to this big life change. This is the key factor. Make a plan to get through this particular day (even the next hour) or one that you think will be difficult for you. Maybe working part-time would be a success for you or doing your taxes yourself for the first time. Find something and go for it as it will strengthen your inner life.

3. Acknowledge how far you’ve come. When you review your day, give yourself credit for where you are on your journey. If it’s only been a month or several months, keep in mind that it’s still going and will continue to linger. Tell yourself every day that you will keep doing it and that you will know that things will change for the better. Your consistent action to adapt will make all the difference. Celebrate your progress with a trusted friend who knows your pain.

4. Examine why you are where you are in your complaints work. What skills have you used? Or what hidden talent have you discovered that you didn’t know you had? Something has led you here. Your organizational skills? Your commitment? A belief? Your faith? Knowing that you are not alone or how to relate to caregivers? Keep using whatever it is and working to develop it further. In short, recognize and use your strengths.

5. Begin and end each day with grateful memories. This will be especially helpful when you feel the downward spiral and anxiety about your loss starting to kick in. Review your day to see the good things that happened: an old friend called, found the key he lost, got a raise, his computer works fine, etc., and fully immerse yourself in the good feelings. This is good mental health in the making. Also, review your life with the deceased and pick out some gratitude keepsakes. Focus on all that you have received and sink back into the feeling of being loved by him/her and by a Higher Power.

In the final analysis, your action will result in small successes, it will be the determining factor in removing unnecessary suffering from your time of mourning. In the process of adjustment, get rid of the idea that you cannot have a few moments of joy and inner peace. We all need them to balance the sadness and negative thoughts that constantly seep into our thinking. It’s okay to smile, feel good, or laugh without feeling guilty; that’s part of the action you can take and another small success. It will recharge you as you return to continue adjusting to your great loss.

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