Sadly, I have known women who have accepted verbal abuse from their husbands as normal, or something that is expected and somewhat tolerated. This is often because these women were used to being verbally abused. They had probably experienced the sting of verbal abuse during childhood; their hearts and self-esteem were regularly pierced by harsh words from parents or other caregivers.
The wife, often someone you might label codependent and people-pleaser, accepted her husband’s verbal abuse largely because he was family. But then, as a codependent woman, she also looked to her husband for a sense of identity or meaning for her life. In doing so, she had relinquished her own personal power. Rather, she gave him the power to use her own behavior as an excuse for her verbal abuse.
The verbally abusive husband would tell his wife that if she would change this or that, then things would be fine. In fact, he wouldn’t feel compelled to yell obscenities at her. He wouldn’t feel compelled to call her by her names. He, too, would not feel compelled to denigrate everything she did.
Too many women accept men’s excuses for their verbal abuse. They don’t realize that some men will always commit verbal abuse no matter how closely their wives adhere to these men’s wishes and demands.
Yes, some men will always make up things their wives did or didn’t do that are suitable excuses for their abuse.
Perhaps the woman did not do this week what she did last week, he condemned her for doing. In other words, with this type of man, the rules seem to be always changing. The thing is, this type of man doesn’t live by the rules that his co-dependent wife lives by. Since she doesn’t understand this, she will remain confused. Why does he keep verbally abusing her when she tries so hard to please him? Can’t he see that she’s practically killing herself to do it?
These agreeable codependent wives remain committed to their pleasurable behaviors because they are certainly motivated to try to fulfill their husbands’ wishes. The thing is, many of these men use verbal abuse and other forms of abuse to control their wives. They do all of this very intentionally.
The man who displays pathological levels of narcissism will not care if his verbal abuse causes his wife immense emotional pain. The narcissist lacks empathy, after all. He just wants to have things his way. He sees his poor co-dependent wife as an object to serve him. He is the king, while she must play the role of his most grateful and adoring subject.
Narcissists feel entitled to use verbal abuse, as well as emotional abuse, financial abuse, social abuse, and sexual abuse to control their spouses. Now most of them skip the use of physical abuse as that can get them in trouble with the law. Furthermore, the other forms of abuse give them the results they want, and without raising eyebrows from others.
When a man is suffering from harmful levels of narcissism, he is likely to continually move on and engage in its abusive ways. He will offer no apologies. Also, if her wife tries to explain to him how her behavior hurts him, again, he is likely to blame her. He will soon be facing her and yelling that because of her behavior, he didn’t really give her a choice.
What if he tries to get past his codependency and tells her that he won’t accept her verbal abuse anymore? Well, again, he could puff out her chest, look at her and increase the range and force of her abusive words. He might also erupt in narcissistic rage: How dare she try to make the rules? Does she not she understands her place?
Now, there are some men who might come from similar backgrounds as their codependent wives. In other words, they were also verbally abused by the adults in their lives. These husbands have essentially modeled their parents’ poor communication skills. When they realize the emotional pain their verbal abuse is causing their dear wives, they may try to change their ways. And indeed, these are the men who can often be helped immensely by anger management classes, couples communication classes, or therapy.
These men will drop their excuses for their verbal abuse. But don’t expect the same from men whose verbal abuse is fueled by narcissism. Verbal abuse is too good a tool for these men to get what they want. And of course they want to control their wives and make them please them, not themselves.
By the way, the narcissist is the one who professes that it is better to be feared than loved. Did she hear her husband say that, but she thought he was joking? Well, think again. Also, you better believe that he will always have an excuse for verbal abuse of him. However, he is not going to be the real one.
He may continue to blame you or your behavior for his verbal abuse, but you will continue to be in a verbally abusive relationship no matter how good or accommodating you are as a codependent wife.
Could it be time to take off your codependency blinders and then remind yourself that there is never an excuse for abuse anyway? Certainly, however, blaming yourself is pointless, except that it will always be in the narcissist’s mind.
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