Ready to break the chains of relationship boredom? Have you been stuck in a rut for some time and have not known how to get out? For some, you may not even know you were in a rut in the first place, which makes things even harder to fix (when you can’t even diagnose it).

Here are 4 quick tips to get out of the ditch of a relationship that fell asleep:

1. Make yourself more interesting: It’s easy to see our spouse, or our relationship, as the problem, and then blame our boredom on them, because they’re convenient. It’s harder to take responsibility for our own boredom and do something about it.

I propose to do something radically different. I invite you to take a look at your own individual life, aside from the relationship, and ask yourself, “What can I do to be more interesting to myself?” When you can generate answers to this question, you are beginning to make something happen. Maybe it’s learning to communicate differently. Maybe it’s learning to speak Portuguese. Maybe it’s starting to read about topics that once interested you, but have been sidelined by a busy life. Or maybe it’s getting involved in volunteering. But working on making yourself more interesting is by far an important step in developing a renewed interest in your relationship.

2. Talk about boredom: Too often, couples who are bored make things worse by not calling the elephant in the room by name. If boredom is obviously a problem in your relationship, why do you keep contributing to it, because it’s easy? Stop having the same boring conversations and tell your partner, “We need to talk about something that needs to change for me in the relationship.” Make it a priority and have a conversation to get things going.

3. Make a list of activities together to break the boredom: get together (even after the previous conversation) and brainstorm things that you both enjoy doing together. The very act of brainstorming together will remind both of you of the “knowing yourself” process you once enjoyed, before it hit a dead end. Coming up with activities that you both love to do is key. Bonus points: Come up with right-brain activities or fun things to do to get it out of your head. Try rock climbing indoors, creating art or music together (here in Phoenix is ​​Taiko Drumming: bang on those big old Japanese drums together), or do something “non-intellectual” or just for fun.

4. Talk about anger: Many times, boredom is really anger that has been frozen. If there’s anger between the two of you, vent it. Talk about it, melt away any anger or tension and get back to being spontaneous and having fun. Boredom is an intellectual or mental way of expressing anger at times, and is a way (especially for men) to distance themselves from their partners. Talk about anger if it’s an issue for you, and you might see the boredom begin to fade from your relationship with that simple change.