Emotional intelligence is a valuable skill, because it means that you know how to work with all kinds of people, understand them, and get along with them. Once you understand emotional intelligence, you can see the people around you who have it and those who don’t: at work, in politics, in the media, and in your neighborhood. The media uses both EI and EQ (like IQ) as shortcuts for emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is similar to empathy. It is the ability to “read” other people’s feelings and respond appropriately. Emotionally intelligent people are successful because they form good connections with others, are trusted, and appreciated. When you understand how and when to be understanding, supportive, direct, and trustworthy or gentle with people, they trust you and learn to depend on you. This creates a framework for business and personal interactions that form lasting and productive relationships.
To develop emotional intelligence, you must learn to focus not only on your own wants and needs, but also on the wants and needs of others. This requires learning to delay gratification, patience, and concern for more than just the bottom line. Emotional intelligence is also essentially emotional maturity, which means that your mind can handle your emotions. According to Goleman, the five characteristics of emotional intelligence are: Self-awareness, Self-regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Social Skills.
• Self-awareness: People with high EI understand their emotions and therefore do not allow themselves to be dominated by their feelings. They know the difference between feeling and thinking, and can use thought to moderate feelings, without ignoring or overriding them. They are confident because they trust their intuition and good judgment, which is the result of using feelings and intelligent thinking to assess situations. People who have emotional intelligence are willing to look at themselves honestly, to see themselves realistically. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. They have realistic positive self-esteem, which means they have reasonable standards for their own good behavior. They care about others, but they are not codependent. They can set limits for their own self-protection. This self-awareness is an essential foundation of EI.
• Self-regulation: Also known as self-control and impulse control, it is the ability to control emotions and impulses. Self-regulating people usually don’t allow themselves to get angry or overly jealous; they do not have tantrums or hysterical outbursts and do not make impulsive and careless decisions. They think before they act or react. The characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no. They are good at delayed gratification, understanding that waiting for what they want can bring better results. They operate with an internal code of ethics rather than an externally imposed standard of behavior.
• Motivation: People with a high degree of EI tend to be motivated. They are willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They are highly productive, love a challenge, and are highly effective in everything they do. They understand that motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, and they are willing to motivate themselves and others when appropriate.
• Empathy: This is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and points of view of those around you. Empathic people are good at acknowledging the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are often excellent at managing relationships, listening, and engaging with others. They avoid stereotypes and judgment too quickly, and live their lives in a very open and honest way. They exhibit generosity and benevolence, and a positive attitude towards others.
• Social Skills: Good social skills are another sign of high EI. They know how to cooperate, be team players. Instead of focusing first on their own success, they understand that success is achieved by helping others develop and shine. They can handle disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters of building and maintaining relationships. In addition to the empathy on which these social skills are based, people with high EI are also good at patience, generosity, trustworthiness, gratitude, sympathy, and are emotionally responsive.
Here’s how to recognize emotional intelligence in yourself and others:
1. What is an indication that a person has no EQ at all?
He or she has no idea how to respond to a statement or question about emotions. “How do you feel about…” only prompts what he or she thinks, if at all.
2. What is the drawback of relating to someone with little or no emotional intelligence? It’s not very satisfying, because we all like to have emotional understanding and empathy. It also means that the person will not be good at listening to or sympathizing with your experience.
3. If we can’t detect any emotional intelligence, should we distance ourselves from the person?
If the relationship is going well, it is going well. This question will not matter. If you are frustrated by a lack of emotional intelligence and everything else is fine, you can try to teach it to him, get it out of your friend, family member or partner, but it takes a lot of patience. It’s like explaining feelings to a three year old.
4. What if the person has some EQ? What can you do to help them develop more EQ?
Be very responsive and understanding when your equalizer is on display. If he or she does something thoughtful, be sure to express your gratitude. If he listens sympathetically to you or someone else, praise him for it.
5. How can we encourage others to continue to be emotionally present and intelligent?
Be emotionally sensitive to him or her. Give him space to respond to you emotionally and reflectively; don’t be impatient, he’s not very emotionally intelligent.
6. Why are people with good EQ desirable?
High emotional intelligence creates closeness, comfort, empathy, and affection in your relationship. It’s easy to have fun or share feelings with someone with high EQ. You can count on a person with a high EQ to be kind and considerate.
To develop emotional intelligence:
Before embarking on any new meeting or activity, follow these steps:
1. Take a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will it feel good just getting out of the house and around new people?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to enjoy the people and have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about yourself? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and loving person? Remember these qualities means that you will radiate that positive energy.
4. Have a positive outlook: Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, in part because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive, you support yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect with others. Also, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more of a service to your friends. It’s a positive spiral, and it goes up and up.
5. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting clothing, something that reflects who you are. If you like to travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnicity, or a hobby (sports, outdoor activities, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, garden implements or an animal print). It will help start conversations. Combine your energy with the energy of the people around you. Obviously, if you are dancing or eating barbecue by the pool, the energy level will be quite high. If you are having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, talking about books, taking a class, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be smoother and more focused.
6. Pay attention: Look around you and seek to make friends. Observe who is around you and what is interesting or attractive about them, find something interesting about what they are wearing and complete it. “Sorry, but I couldn’t help but notice that beautiful color; it looks great on you.” or, “What an interesting watch! Does it have a history?”
7. Prepare ahead of time: Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about: the background to a hit movie, some new technological breakthrough, or an exciting new trend. So when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.
8. Find a way to help: What do you need to do that you will enjoy? If you are in a new environment, I recommend that you find a “job” to do. Don’t just say “what can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: greet people and show them around, or keep the food table stocked, or refill drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and it will keep you busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will thank you and remember you later.
9. Follow Up: If you know someone you’d like to get to know better, follow up the event or meeting with an invite for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.
Emotionally intelligent conversations are like tennis matches. That is, the other person is “served” by asking a question or making a statement. Then, you answer the question with the type of answer that invites a response. For example:
Him: “How do you know our hostess?”
You: “We went to school together. I like how kind Pam is, don’t you?”
This invites your partner to respond and keeps the “volleyball” going. If the conversation thread ends, the next “service” is yours. If you have to restart the conversation too often, apologize and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work,” he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable responses are a pretty clear indication of a lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean to. Instead, turn on your charm and the other person will want to spend more time with you.
