Every once in a while I get calls from men and women who want to know if their ex is using them and before I can answer they say, “He/she is really a nice person, I really don’t think he/she is using me.” …I guess she’s looking deep into her heart to find out what she really wants and with whom.”

And when I ask, “Is this what he’s telling you?” Her response is “No, I just know him. He’s not that kind of person.”

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, “So why are you calling me to ask if I think your ex is using you?”

When you can’t fool yourself anymore, it’s definitely not “make believe”.

Just because you really want to believe something doesn’t mean you should read more “love” into their actions than there is. For all there is, those signs that he or she wants you back could be wishful thinking more than anything else.

The really sad part of being chained is that it lures you into a false sense of hope. Since he or she hasn’t done anything to make you feel otherwise, you get the idea that there might actually be a second chance, and you keep waiting, forever. You might even find out after endlessly “waiting” that he or she has a potential lay lined up but wants you on a rope in case it doesn’t work out.

If you suspect that your ex is using you, chances are he is…

If you get very mixed signals, sit down!

1. He or she rarely, if ever, compliments you, even when you take extra time to make yourself especially attractive to him or her. Your ex doesn’t even look up at you when you go out.

2. He or she is so sweet when you’re together (and when you’re having sex), but when you’re apart, he or she ignores you, never bothers to call, and doesn’t seem to care at all what’s going on in your life.

3. If it’s been over three months of “it’s there but not quite there yet” and you’re still the one always emailing and calling. You never get anything from him or her. He or he rarely, if ever, initiates contact.

4. You barely have a meaningful conversation and your calls never last more than 5 minutes on the phone. And if they do, it’s because she’s had a rough day and wants a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

5. Before the breakup, he or she took you to meet his friends and invited you to family barbecues and office Christmas parties, but since the two of you have been seeing each other again, you haven’t been invited. to meet with friends or family. It’s like your ex doesn’t want those close to him or her to know that the two of you “got back together.”

6. He spends more time with his friends than with you.

7. You never really talk about “us”. Most of their communication is on “me” or “you” and not much “we” except when they disagree on something.

8. You are supporting your ex financially: money, accommodation, bills, and paying for most of your dates, etc.

These are very strong signals that should tell you that you are being used. But don’t jump into the straw, it will just throw your mind into a loop. Ask your ex what the real deal is.

There is a possibility that your ex is:

1) Simply testing you to see if he or she can trust you with their heart again;

2) He is confused about your change, he may or may not have expected you to be different (totally loving person) than the person he broke up with in the first place;

3) Feeling that things are happening too soon and too fast for him or her;

4) He still wants us to be friends and maybe have something later in the future.

5) He needs your financial support until he or she can stand on his or her feet (that is, if he or she has ever been on two feet without someone else).

BUT there is also the possibility that your ex is using and harassing you.

You’ll never know if you don’t find out, asking the right way.

Still, there’s not much incremental risk in terms of rejection pain. If anything, it will clarify where things really are and help you move one way or another from the confusing place you are in now.

If you’re interested in learning how to go from “no” to “yes” without seeming pushy, needy, or controlling, you can check out my eBook: Dating Your Ex: What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow, And Tomorrow To Get Your Ex Back! your ex!