on the tv show paternity, one of the characters, Max Braverman, is a boy with Asperger syndrome. Max displayed many of the classic traits of autism, including obsession with specific topics. One of his strong areas of interest was pirates. Max loved dressing up as a pirate and acting out his made-up stories. His TV dad, Adam, was struggling to find those connection points with Max that he craved so much, so he decided to dress up as a pirate and enter Max’s imaginary pirate world. The episode ends with Adam and Max running around in their pirate outfits and having a great time together. It was really touching to see both of them having fun as father and son.

This scene from Parenthood struck a chord with me as a parent of a child on the spectrum. Our son Trevor certainly had things he was obsessed with growing up, including the TV shows Blues Clues and Spongebob Squarepants, puzzles, and drawings. He never got bored talking about his areas of interest and could remember the smallest details with ease. He could keep himself busy for hours on end, which in some ways made him very easy to care for. At the same time, letting him live in his own world without interaction was not good for his long-term social skill growth. Today I know more than the average parent about SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Sandy, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and Pearl (Mr. Krabs’s sperm whale daughter).

As Trevor aged, his interests grew with him. When he was young, his food menu was very limited to a handful of items. However, as he got older, his interest in food grew to the point where he is now willing to try almost anything that isn’t spicy. Now, as an adult, he doesn’t eat a wide variety of foods, but he also loves to cook. Another of his obsessions are movies. He loves movies so much that he graduated cum laude from Arizona State University with a degree in Film and Media Studies. He runs a movie review website, Trevor’s View on Hollywood, where he writes reviews using his own 32 data point rating scale.

Now I love to watch movies and I LOVE food. Given your passion for both of them, these are two natural connection points that we have together. One of our favorite movies is Men in Black. We have seen it many times over the years. In fact, when the third Men in Black movie came out we went to see it together at the cinema. Before the movie they had a MIB trivia contest. Trevor and I answered the questions and returned home as the proud owners of MIB’s black jerseys. We also love going out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner together at places ranging from The Melting Pot to Costco for hot dogs. These are things we both love to do together, and as a parent, I proudly guard our time for these activities.

Do you see this as an area to work on? Here are some tips that can help you strengthen those connection points, as well as help your child with socialization and exposure to new things:

• enter his world – Actively look for those areas in which your child shows interest and actively plan the actions that he can take that will allow him to be a character in his world.
• see reactions – In some things Trevor preferred to be the only actor, like drawing as a child and photographing as an adult. He is happy (and prefers) to do these things on his own and for me to be his cheerleader and admirer. My role was not to draw with him as a child or take photos with him now; is to support his interests.
• Look for opportunities to introduce new interests. – Trevor wasn’t born loving SpongeBob SquarePants; he was exposed to it and developed an interest. Take advantage of the time together to explore potential new interests. For example, we made it a point to have family dinner every night at 6:00 pm This is where we introduced the “Ten times” rule for trying new foods. Trevor had to try something ten times before he decided he didn’t like it. In hindsight, we should have called it the “Three Times” rule because that’s what worked. Still, Trevor knew that he needed to try something new more than once before saying he didn’t like it. This was key to expanding his menu options.
• Create a routine around areas of interest – When Trevor and I did things, it was usually after dinner, whether it was watching a favorite show, playing a computer game, or doing some other activity. He knew when to look forward to that time together, so it was a welcome activity. I learned not to approach him out of the blue and suggest him to do something, since he already had his activities planned; my unplanned activity was disrupting his schedule, something people with autism generally don’t appreciate.
• your son is not you – I loved to play sports when I was a child. Trevor wanted nothing to do with sports. While it would have been great to see him throw a perfect game, I couldn’t project my interests onto him to the point where I would hate to do something just because I loved it (and therefore resented me). By all means introduce him to new things, but recognize when it’s just not going to happen and don’t force it.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to find those connection points with your autistic child. While there have been bumps along the way, I’m grateful that Trevor and I have those connection points where we can enjoy activities together and build on the great relationship we have.