I often get emails from wives asking how a husband can cheat but still love his wives. Some common questions are: “how can you cheat on me and still love me?”; or “My husband cheated on me, but he insists that he still loves me and wants to be with me. How is this possible?”; or “I caught my husband cheating on me, but he said he has nothing to do with me or the marriage. He wants to make things right. How can this be?” I will do my best to answer these questions in the following article.

Why he doesn’t always lie when he tells you that the affair had little or nothing to do with you: It is true that some men are dogs. Some men have affairs just because they can or because they are serially unfaithful. They are repeat offenders who never change.

But, this is not true for all men. Many married men who cheat do not fall into this category. I know this because I have done a lot of research on this, but also because many of them find my blog and contact me for advice on how to make up for all this with their wives. I can tell you that these men deeply regret their actions, but sadly they cannot take it back. However, they are very honest with me about how and why this happened.

Usually the matter took them quite by surprise. Many married men who cheat don’t wake up in the morning and proclaim “today is the day I’m going to cheat on my wife.” Instead, it’s a gradual process, usually with someone they know well or work with. What starts off innocently turns into something more, and is usually emotional at first and then progresses to something physical.

But what’s really interesting is that often things aren’t horrible at home. The stereotype will tell you that men who cheat do so because their wives are emotionally or physically unavailable or because they don’t have a good sex life at home. This is not always true. In fact, very often, it is not true at all. Many men who cheat have loving wives at home and have fulfilling sex lives.

But how can this be? How can a man who has it pretty good at home want to cheat? Because he is telling you the truth. Because his infidelity has more to do with him and less to do with you, your marriage, or even the other woman.

It really is more about him. It’s not yours or anything you did: Many people don’t believe this, but it is completely true. Men cheat as a way to put a temporary band-aid on some problem they are trying to solve. Infidelity is really a way to boost your self-esteem. Men want to feel like winners. They want to feel desirable, competent, and exciting.

Often there is some stressor in their life that makes them vulnerable to an affair. Maybe your boss has been putting you down. Perhaps one of your parents has just passed away. Perhaps they are beginning to feel their age and question their vitality. There are so many similar situations that will make a man doubt himself.

When they’re in this vulnerable state, “the other woman” is usually in the right place at the right time. She shows him some attention. She validates it. Her attention and her interest will suddenly validate to him that she is still interesting, still desirable, still capable of winning. As silly and sad as it is, this is based on his flaws, not yours.

Most men who cheat admit that the other woman has nothing on his wife: There is a common misconception about the mistress or “other woman”: that she is younger, prettier, or more adventurous and fun than the wife. Lots of wives email me and say things like “the other woman is nothing like what I thought. She’s not even pretty. She’s fat and unkempt. She’s not his type at all. What the hell can he see in her?” “.

In fact, there is a study of infidelity that indicates that almost ninety percent of men who cheat find their wives prettier and superior to the other woman. Again, it’s less about the physical and more about the emotional. I know this probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but it’s quite common for a husband to still love his wife very much during the time he cheats on her and afterward. In order to cheat, a man has to be able to compartmentalize and separate how he feels about his wife with what he is doing at the moment.

This is not as difficult for a man as you might think. Many tell me they are sure his wives will never find out and therefore will never be hurt. Almost all of them did not intend for the matter to be long-term. As superficial and unbelievable as it sounds, many men see an affair as a temporary fix to get over their self-esteem crisis. They honestly think that once it’s over, no one will get hurt and life will go on without anyone noticing. They don’t see the need to come clean and hurt you about something that didn’t really mean much to them. In fact, they see the matter as a small problem in martial life and never think that it will cause the destruction that it has. Of course, once all this blows up in their faces, they’re deeply sorry, but they’re in no position to take it back.

I hope you don’t think I’m defending men who cheat. I am not. I was in this situation too and I know how much it hurts. But, I got an idea from these men because they trust me. And I know that many women like me really want to make sure that her husband’s affair doesn’t necessarily mean that their husbands have stopped loving them.