In the same way that editors don’t want to see an ending they’ve seen before, equally, there are some story beginnings that have been killed. Here are ten you shouldn’t use.
“It was a dark and stormy night.”
The “weather report” tactic. Not only is this a lazy way to start a story, but this was voted “Worst Story Opener of All Time.”
“I hadn’t seen her in the bar before. She was pale, but interesting.”
The “Vampire Pickup Gambit” Or maybe they’re a werewolf, an alien, or a serial killer. Or maybe the narrator is not what he seems. Either way, the story turns out to be the same, and the publisher will have given up long before we get to the end.
“The man with the piercing eyes and the pointy beard asked ‘What would you give to have your heart’s desire?’
The old “Pact with the Devil” tactic. Only try this if you have really sold his soul for fame and fortune; all other permutations were played years ago.
“I thought it was supposed to be in Vegas so I was surprised to see……..”
Almost as old as the stories of the deal with the devil is the “I spoke to a ghost” gambit. Cavemen probably told each other this story around their campfires. And you think a publisher hasn’t heard it?
“I woke up in the dark, and all I could feel on top of me was velvet, and wood underneath.”
The “buried alive” gambit. Those cavemen probably knew this one too. A variation is the “Sixth Sense” gambit where the narrator is already dead. Do you think the editor didn’t see the movie?
“I was given a good scolding, and I vowed at the time to have my revenge.”
The “Clint Eastwood” tactic. It is usually a sign that you are going to be explicitly violent. Even if the publisher wants that kind of thing, he’ll want a better plot than this.
“I’ve always felt strange around the time of the full moon.”
The “werewolf” gambit. Even Michael Jackson knows the effects of the moon on certain people, and do you know how isolated he is from reality?
“I had a strange feeling when I saw the sarcophagus arrive at the warehouse.”
The “mummy” gambit. Even more dated from the recent blockbuster movies. Wobbly piles of bandages just don’t fix it in the 21st century.
“The red-haired FBI agent turned to her partner and said…”
Editors watch TV too, you know? The only place to submit these, and those related to teenage vampire hunters, is to fanfiction websites. Even there you have to have an original plot. Episode rehashes just won’t do it.
“What would you do if I gave you three wishes?”
The “goblin” gambit. And guess what: the protagonist is fooled by the third wish. The editor will be asleep before you get to wish number two.
There are so many good ideas floating around. Remember, if you’ve seen something like this before, then the editor will have too. Try to make sure your idea is original, that way you can get a publisher to read past page one.
So you only have to worry about the middle and the end, but those are two completely different items.
