Has your partner ever told you, “You’re too sensitive?”
Okay, let’s be more precise about this; Has your partner repeatedly told you that you are too sensitive? Because chances are if he told you once, he’s said it a thousand times.
Because?
We’ll get to that in a moment. First, let’s address the really important question: How has that left you?
How do you feel about being labeled ‘overly sensitive’?
Clearly I don’t know you, and I can’t tell how you think, but I guess it leaves you feeling small, needy, pathetic, and very, very flawed. It can also make you feel insecure in your relationship. Accusing another person of being ‘overly sensitive’ tends to make her feel as if her partner has exposed a very dark, unpleasant and immature feeling at the very heart of her being.
In short, it makes them feel unpleasant.
It can make you question the value of your relationship.
There is a reason for this. Calling someone “overly sensitive” isn’t just a throwaway comment, triggered by frustration; is, in reality, a well-calculated barb with a poisonous hidden agenda.
“You are too sensitive” is a code
“You are too sensitive” is code; a code that, I suspect, you have not been translating correctly, until now. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have given his defendant the chance to hit him with that sharp spike, over and over again.
“But,” you might object, “I’m too sensitive.” You might even say, “I’m too sensitive.”
There is a distinction here that we need to clarify. When you say you’re ‘very sensitive’, or even ‘overly sensitive’, what you really mean is this: “I can get hurt very easily; it doesn’t take much. I really wish I wasn’t.” , but it is. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it.”
Acknowledging the sharpness of your sensitivity tends to be something of an apology. You wish you could change it, but you can’t; at least not with the tools currently available to you.
When a partner, or another close person, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is apparently because they wish you could change. Not that they’re offering you clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity. They don’t really know how you could reduce that sensitivity; they don’t even care As much as they criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very well with their agenda. But they are in no rush to admit it.
Why do they say it?
Think for a moment about the circumstances in which you have been told that you are too sensitive. It most likely happens when you feel hurt by something they said; either something they did, or they didn’t do. If you had been ‘less sensitive’, they believe, you would not have reacted. In other words, you would have simply “moved on” and saved them the trouble of having to consider your feelings.
This is true for other circumstances where your “hypersensitivity” means you would like comfort or reassurance.
That’s not what your partner, or another close one, had in mind.
When they say, “You’re too sensitive,” what they really mean is this: “Please don’t bring your feelings on me, I don’t want to hear about them.” There is also more, and there is nothing better.
“You’re too sensitive” is an abbreviation for; “I’m really not ready to take your feelings into account. In fact, it bothers me a lot when you visit them. As far as I’m concerned, this is the way I think our relationship should work: I can say what I want.” you, and you’ll take care of it, without making a fuss and trying to make me feel bad about it. What’s wrong with you, anyway?
“What’s wrong with you, anyway?”
The question, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” is the key to your partner’s thinking. There must be something wrong with you, or else you would respond to whatever they said or did in exactly the way they want you to respond. In other words, what they wanted was for you not to respond. Whatever it was, they expected you to let them ‘get away with it’. And you didn’t.
It’s not like you’ve taken a strong position; everything but. A firm position would have meant saying, “This is unacceptable.” Then you would become scarce, as far as they are concerned. Her accuser would duly receive the message that he was out of commission and she would need to clean up the act on him, or else she would lose him.
Whether or not they would clean up their act is another story. But if it meant an early end to a damaging relationship that would end in unhappiness anyway, then his strong stand has paid off. It has saved you time and suffering. And if it focused their mind, and led them to behave better in the future, even better.
“Oh, don’t do that!”
But simply asking your accuser to behave and/or talk to you differently is about as ineffective as telling a child, “Oh, don’t do that!” All she conveys is her weakness and his reluctance to act.
He leaves his accuser free to repeat the pattern over and over again. He’ll continue to talk and act as he pleases, and when you object, he’ll reproach you, again, for ‘being too sensitive’. With that simple phrase he has blamed you for the pain of the situation. With a simple play on words, he has blamed you for the situation, so he comes out smelling like roses. Or at least as close as you can get to smelling like roses.
How did you get into a messy relationship like that in the first place?
Here’s the irony: It happened, in part, because of his sensitivity. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being sensitive; there is no. However, his accuser has a finely tuned nose and can smell sentience from a mile away. He or she knows that he or she can exploit that sensitivity to gain control over another person. They know exactly how to do it, as you know, at your expense.
So what will you do differently regarding your sensitivity in the future?
First, you become much more alert; you learn that someone who is prepared to ignore your ‘sensitivity’ is telling you that they will totally and completely ignore your feelings. You give those people a big margin. Second, you learn to honor and manage that sensitivity; treat it with respect and other people will treat you with respect too.
