Many of us live our lives on autopilot. We exist day to day programmed like an automaton and we never consider the options that we have. We let our old clothes dominate what we do and what we think. We’ve walked the same familiar, well-trodden path for so long that we assume that’s what life is all about. Without realizing it, we accept it and do not believe that it can be better or different. We can become so entrenched in our old habits that we don’t even realize that we are not living but only surviving.
If you think about it, many of us have spent most of our lives operating based on a set of false beliefs. These beliefs can make us feel as if we are somehow inadequate. We learned to say and do things to keep the peace and make others happy. But who is working to make us happy? This task, my friends, is ours and ours alone. Researchers suggest that our ability to be consistent with ourselves and with others is related to our happiness.
When we are congruent with ourselves, our inner world matches our outer world. We are our “authentic self”. Being our authentic selves is about reconnecting with who we are. It’s about being true to ourselves. It is about matching our thoughts (inner world), words and actions (outer world). It’s about honoring our feelings and having the confidence to express them. It is about going deep inside and letting go of false beliefs, which no longer serve us.
People who are controlled by their programmed negative false beliefs often want to please others more than themselves. They also have a hard time being authentic. It can be scary to do or say things that go against the norm, tried and true. Our ability to be authentic is often challenged in our relationships, where we find ourselves discarding our own wants and needs to make room for what we think others want. We fear the repercussions of our words and actions. “Will he or she still accept me if I tell my truth?” “What will happen if I say no?”
Being authentic allows us to love and accept ourselves at our core, do what makes us happy, and follow our passions no matter who we might disappoint. Doing so can leave us vulnerable, but at the same time, it allows for the creation of genuine intimate relationships filled with unconditional love.
What does it feel like to love ourselves? It is about treating ourselves with kindness, concern and compassion. It’s about not judging ourselves harshly or punishing ourselves for every mistake we make. It’s about being warm and understanding, acknowledging our inadequacies and imperfections and responding to them with the same level of support and respect that we freely offer to others. It’s about liking who we are, lock, stock, and barrel.
Self love forces us to act with our best interest in mind and challenges us to ask ourselves, “Why not?” As they say, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Imagine the inner strength you will develop by flexing this muscle.
We naturally love ourselves when we have adequate self-worth and self-esteem. These things allow us to be internally complete and allow us to interact with the world as our authentic selves. There is another thing that is required to love ourselves. It requires us to go beyond our fears. It requires that we have the courage to feel our feelings and honor them, no matter where they take us.
We have to be willing to risk showing our true selves, complete with all our imperfections, flaws, and insecurities when we are authentic. We have to accept who we are instead of who we think we should be. We must also be prepared to love ourselves enough to accept the costs and consequences that our words and actions may have on others. It may hurt at the time, but in hindsight many realize that it was the best and smartest thing they did. Being authentic creates a foundation where we can begin to experience joy and happiness in everything we do every day of our lives.
Excerpt from: The Dysfunctional Dance of the Empath and the Narcissist
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