For some of the women reading this, you are about to embark on a fact-finding mission into your husband’s mind. Let’s start with some myths exposed and facts revealed.

made . . . All those ‘share your agony/achieve nothing’ websites where wives in misery commiserate by giving essentially useless advice about what didn’t work for them won’t help you encourage your husband to be more romantic.

Myth . . . Your husband doesn’t like you because he’s not romantic. This false statement is mostly found on ‘share your agony’ websites.

made . . . Her husband is not more romantic for one or a combination of four main reasons:

• You are not comfortable with the emotional element of romance.
• Too much stress or too little (perceived) time.
• Not focused, not organized, or may forget important dates.
• You don’t realize how important romance is to you.

Myth . . . By showering your husband with romance, he’ll get the idea, seek out the hidden romantic child within her, and create the romantic oasis you so desire and deserve.

made . . . Her husband will become more romantic and her marriage more passionate for one of two main reasons: (or a combination of both).

• He wants to please you, make you happy, and make the marriage better because he’s basically a nice guy.
• Because it’s what’s best for him and he gets some benefit from changing the dynamics of the marriage.

There are three components to encouraging your husband to be more romantic. Do all three and you’re almost guaranteed a marriage filled with romance.. Like a trike, with only two wheels on the ground (two components of the romantic formula), you won’t get very far. And if you get anywhere, it will be a real struggle.

Step one – The goal – Without condemning, complaining or criticizing, tell your husband why it is important to you that your marriage have a greater element of romance. Explain that romance is like a key that unlocks a woman’s heart and satisfies her need for emotional intimacy. Describe how romance looks, feels, sounds, and smells. Give your husband a goal, a challenge. Men want to pursue and enjoy reaching a goal.

Second step – the rewards – Share with your husband why you are interested in increasing the level of romance in your marriage. The truth is that while you think of romance as emotional intimacy, her husband thinks of sensual pleasure. One viewpoint is not better than the other, but they are two sides of the same corner. Tell him how romance increases the emotional connection you feel and that leads to more trust in the relationship, in him. You want to change, increase the amount of romance, marriage because it will better fill a need you have (and should have met). It’s no different for her husband. She will change the relationship, increase the amount of romance, when she meets a need that she may have.

Step three – No plan, no action! Men are, by their very nature, tool users. Some use computers, some use power saws, the rest something in between. While there is no scientific research to prove this, the reason men use tools is because their brains leak. Ask your husband to bring home three things from the store, and you’re likely to get just about anything besides the requested items. The same goes for romance, her husband will need a little help to keep it on track for the first few months. There are online marriage resources designed to give your husband romantic ideas, advice, and suggestions. Full-featured sites even provide a personalized reminder service so you never forget another anniversary, birthday, or special occasion. If you do a Google or Bing search for “Romantic Outsourcing” you can see what is available for your husband.

The challenging part of making a long overdue improvement in your relationship is bringing the issue out into the open. Below is a format letter that you can use to get her husband’s attention. Feel free to copy, cut, edit, and paste for your personal use.

Dear (my romantically resistant husband),
I am writing this letter to you because I feel that our marriage could use some positive change.

I know romance may not be your top priority right now. But to me, it represents more than just flowers or a pretty card. It is, for me, a way to feel emotionally connected to the man I love. For women, romance is like a key that opens a door to greater intimacy, more trust in the relationship, and yes, more desire for sensual passion.

For me, romance can be loving gestures that remind me that I am special in your eyes and in your heart. These are not secluded island getaways you see in the movies. But rather a personal message, a thought, a break with the routine, or flowers from time to time. Please don’t let this rule out the romantic getaway, if that’s what you had in mind 🙂 To put it another way, women have an ’emotional bank account’ that needs small regular deposits. And you’ll be surprised how much interest accrues for you. Romance can lead to many things; a match that starts a passionate flame, the glue that binds a relationship, a doorway to greater sensual pleasure, the building blocks of a stronger marriage.

Without a doubt, men and women are different in their needs and comfort zones. I’ll give it a try and realize that you may occasionally want a few ideas and reminders to get the romantic juices flowing. There are male-operated marriage/romance building websites that may be helpful to you. ________ is a website that is free to use or you can do a search for “Romantic Outsourcing”.

I want you to know that I love you very much and I want our marriage to grow stronger every day. Romance is important to me. Share with me what is important to you.

your beloved wife,

hugs and kisses

One last suggestion, just having a verbal conversation probably won’t lead to lasting change. She remembers that her husband’s mind escapes. If he’s not fully invested in the change you need, want, or deserve, romance will be pushed down the list of day-to-day demands. The reason why men respond well to a written letter is because it allows them to go back to their cave, a psychological safe place, and have time to digest the problem. Your husband will take action sooner than you think. And if he doesn’t, he takes control of the situation, sign him up and enter anniversaries and important dates.

I’ve found that most men tend to initially rely heavily on a ‘Romance Externalizing’ website to encourage them to take action and, yes, overcome any initial hesitation. Remember, many men are not comfortable expressing romance at first. Because, in the end, it is a display of emotional openness. It takes time to get good at being romantic and recognizing subtle emotional cues. The good news is that many of the most ‘romantically resilient’ men become regular contributors of romantic ideas, helping other husbands like yours improve their marriage. For a sports analogy, “Even the best athlete was, in the beginning, a long time ago, a rookie player taking the field for the first time.”