A story of a relationship in transition

A client of mine felt guilty about leaving her marriage, despite the fact that her spouse had broken up and refused to reestablish a fundamental and especially important agreement that they made before they were married. He talked incessantly with his girlfriend about her dislike of her ex and her unhappiness with her marriage. His partner assured him that his happiness was the most important thing. She encouraged him to get help from a divorce recovery counselor. He did.

She worked with the coach, resolved her feelings of guilt, and formally ended her marriage. Without the support and security of his girlfriend, and his willingness to make the necessary changes in his feelings about his divorce, he would have been left in an unhappy marriage and resented himself and his spouse for years to come.

The Five Steps To A Long-Term Relationship

To build a new long-term relationship, you need to navigate five separate steps in your relationship with your potential partner: (1) Step 1 – The transitional relationship, (2) Step 2 – The recreational relationship, (3) Step 3 – The Pre-Engaged Relationship, (4) Step 4 – The Engaged Relationship, and (5) Step 5 – The Marital Relationship.

(For a discussion of recreational, pre-committed, and committed relationships, see David Steele Conscious dating, (Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008). The discussion about the pre-engaged relationship is particularly good.)

Each relationship has a unique goal and a specific underlying question that motivates action at each stage. Done right, this process is a marathon, not a sprint. This article describes the first step, the transition relationship.

The structure of a transitional relationship

A transitional relationship is one that you enter before your committed relationship ends or shortly after, for the sole purpose of facilitating the process of detachment.

Goal and motivation. The goal of the transitional relationship is to break free from the baggage of marriage and re-experience validation. The source of motivation that drives a transitional relationship is the question, “Can he / she help me release my attachments to my ex and my relationship with my ex?

Roles. Your partner’s role is to help, listen, be an intimate partner, and tell the truth. Your role is to listen, learn, and be willing to change those beliefs and behaviors that make a new, positive relationship impossible. Your partner wants to “help you feel good / single again.” Your job is to pay attention to your partner’s observations and make the necessary changes that will make it possible to feel good about your life again.

The nature of a transitional relationship

Two things distinguish a transitional relationship: (1) An euphoric sense of hope for the future based on having found your soul mate, (2) Constant arguments about your ex and her marriage to you.

I have found my soul mate! A transitional relationship is a heady and euphoric experience with seemingly limitless hope.. You have found the “perfect” partner, someone who can give you everything that your spouse could not or did not want.

He concludes: “I have finally found my soul mate! I am in love and we should be together until death do us part.” No, you haven’t. Expect! This is too fast. You’ve only found someone who can validate it in a way that your spouse couldn’t or wouldn’t.

My ex still lives in my head! Another common element of a transitional relationship is the divorced couple’s tendency to hold on and talk about the memories of the ex, especially the memories of the recent drama surrounding the divorce.

Even if only you and your new partner are in the room, you are never completely alone as a couple. There is always a third person with you. Who? Your ex still living an active life in your head! Your ex is with you all the time when you eat, shop, watch TV, make love.

As a result, you talk about and even obsess over your ex and the drama of your marriage. Your brain’s death control over your ex is leading you to disaster. No new relationship can flourish as long as you continue to invite your ex into your life.

Your transition partner is there to help you get your ex out of your head and out of your life. One client compared her transitional relationship to a life preserver; It kept him afloat and alive until he was able to reach shore and solid ground and erase his ex from his brain permanently.

So what is the point?

The point is, if you are in an early relationship, meaning one that started before or shortly after your divorce is final, you are likely in a transitional relationship. First, you must acknowledge that fact, even if your new relationship feels permanent, not “transitional.” You must also acknowledge that your marriage and subsequent divorce have left you with some things that are broken and need to be fixed. Be open to your new partner’s suggestions that some beliefs and behaviors need to change, even if you disagree.

Also, the habit of talking about your ex should end. Your ex is part of your past. As someone said: “The past is history, the future is a mystery and today is a gift. That is why we call it the present.” Your challenge is to leave your marriage and your ex in the past so that you can enjoy and prosper in the present.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. The recipe is to dissolve your resistance to your new changed life situation. Only then can you be confident that your life after divorce will be happy and successful.