It is very common for me to hear from wives who struggle to explain to their husbands how much their infidelity or affair hurt and caused them. But often, their husband doesn’t react the way they expected and they look for a way to explain their feelings so that he really understands them.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “I have repeatedly tried to explain to my husband the depth and reasons for my pain after his infidelity, but he either won’t listen or doesn’t understand what I want.” “I’m saying. Sometimes I open my heart to him and try to explain how he’s hurt me and all I get is a blank stare or empty assurances that he’s really trying. This is very frustrating for me because I need him to understand.” the extent of my pain so that I can be sure that he will never cheat on me again. I want him to understand why I sometimes act the way I do because of the grave mistake he has made. But a part of me thinks he doesn’t want to or he just can’t hear me. How can I explain my pain in a way that he really understands and is willing to listen?” I will address these concerns in the next article.

Pick the right moment and know that once you start repeating yourself, your words lose their effectiveness: I listen to both wives who are faithful and husbands who are not on my blog and I can tell you that if you constantly talk about your hurt and pain, eventually even the most sincere husband will start to tune out. One of the reasons for this is that no one wants to be constantly reminded of the pain she has caused. And husbands will often want to focus on moving on, while the wife wants to focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or just doesn’t want to hear it. But, at least sometimes, he hears your words as accusations. He may constantly hear that his selfishness and his weakness have hurt you deeply and that this is not a message you want to hear continuously, day in and day out. Men often make comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much infidelity has hurt her. I believe and understand that and I am sorry. But do I really need or have to hear what a horrible person I am every day? Sometimes you need to explain where I went wrong or how awful I am before you feel satisfied that you’ve said enough? I tell her I’m deeply sorry. I listen to her. .

I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t argue regularly and try to get over infidelity. I am telling you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your way and the dynamic that is at play here. If you really want her husband to listen and take your words to heart, then sometimes you have to time it right and limit the message for maximum impact.

Consider what your husband is actually going to hear before you say the words: This is what I alluded to in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message your husband hears has more to do with your tone and delivery than the words you say. So you could say something like, “Your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It has made me question your integrity and your love and commitment to me. It has affected my self-esteem and confidence level. And I’m not sure when things are going to change.” . to get better”.

But what he often hears is something more along the lines of: “Your poor decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage. You are a horrible, selfish person with very little impulse control. And your actions have caused me so much pain.” that I may never fully recover. Because of this, I will feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think about you. And, this will be our lot in life from this day on, because I don’t anticipate any change.” .

These examples may seem a bit extreme, but they are not that far from the comments I hear. A cheating husband may hear a message that he never wanted. And because of this, she is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often interpret this to mean that he isn’t listening or just doesn’t care, so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course this just keeps the cycle going. She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten and neither of them gets what she wants or needs.

If you think about it, probably what you really want is to feel heard. You want him to know, understand (and even feel) his pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat on you again and more likely to show the remorse so many of us really want and need. So think about what this is most likely to accomplish.

You don’t want to come across as too accusatory or dejected because, unfortunately, these things will contribute to his defensiveness and turning you off. Instead, you should use “I” sentences so that it sounds like you’re talking about responsibility for your own feelings and not just trying to blame them or make them continually feel guilty for the rest of their life. And you want to choose the time when your message is most likely to be heard. You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when your main goal is to hurt him. I’ve found that the message is more likely to get heard if you say it when things are going a little more positive and both people are calm.

An example of what to say to express the pain your cheating has caused: An example would be something like, “If this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain how much your infidelity has hurt me. I’m not doing this to punish you or paint you as a horrible person. I love you.” And I don’t think you’re a horrible person, but I need to feel like you care enough to listen to me. And I need to know that you really understand so you won’t hesitate to fool me again. Have someone you love. More than anything, betraying you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have imagined. It questions things about your marriage and about yourself that are just devastating. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the tables were turned? Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so we can start moving forward once and for all. I don’t intend to bring this up any further, but before I continue I need to know that you really understand this.

A phrase like this is much more likely to get the response and understanding you seek. But you can only play this card so often before your husband starts ignoring you. So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to start moving forward so your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continually punish him.