The issue of your communication with your family as part of how you relate to them is one of the most important aspects influencing all of your relationships. In the next article, we’ll look specifically at ways to improve the quality of communication with your family of origin, as well as with your own family.
family of origin
Your mother, father, and siblings make up your family of origin. The relationship structures you currently have in your life will be heavily influenced by how you learn to relate to your family of origin. Communication is only one part of that relating.
your own family
Your husband or wife, partner, your children and grandchildren form your own family. This is where you bring your beliefs and programming about family, relationships, and communication that you picked up in your family of origin. They play out their own version of relating to each other, which can be an adaptation or a rebellious opposite version of their family of origin.
Communication is not just in words.
Communication is the way we interact with each other. It’s important to remember that communication happens on many levels, from the non-verbal body language to the verbal part with the words you’re using and the tonality with which you pronounce them. More than half of communication happens without words. Just remember all those messages you got from your mom and dad that were delivered with just looks, shrugs, arm movements, or even kicks. Which of those do you currently use in your own family?
Awareness brings choice
The first step to improving your communication is becoming aware of all the positive and negative programming you learned while growing up. The second step is, now that you are an adult with conscious choice, to rethink your programming and start making your own decisions.
Becoming a clear ‘me’ in the ‘we’
As an adult, you have the right to have an adult-to-adult relationship with your mom and dad, which means you can have opposing opinions or values. Knowing that in yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you have to discuss every situation you disagree with. Some are best left aside, while others should be brought up in the open, especially if in the past you may have undermined your own needs for the sake of your parents’ approval. Statements like: ‘No mom, I really don’t want you to smoke in my house and in front of the kids’ mean that you are more clear about who you are, in your own identity and with your own values, instead of just being a daughter or a son that he needs to follow the ideas of his parents.
In your own family you will realize now, as an adult, what it means to relate and communicate with a partner, children, etc. You may suddenly come to better understand the challenges your parents had with you, your siblings, and each other.
Remember that updating relationships within your family of origin, which means bringing more honesty, clarity and truth in communication and becoming a clear ‘I’ in ‘we’, will allow you to relate better in your own family, as well as with friends, colleagues and associates.
