A very common subject in the correspondence that I sometimes receive is the subject of closing. Everyone who has been through the aftermath of an affair seems to be looking for it. And this includes both the spouse who was cheated on and the spouse who was cheated on. Closure can be very elusive. Sometimes it seems like the more you chase it, the harder it is to get. People often search for it in a variety of places. They think they will succeed if they confront the other woman or make their spouse fear for her marriage. They think they will get it when they lose weight, get ahead in the marriage, or spend months of counseling. Some even get divorced and find out they still don’t have it. Because of course, none of these things guarantee it. People tend to keep track of how long it takes. Most people I hear from seem to think they should have found it by now.
You may hear from a wife who says, “Throughout this whole process of getting over it, my number one goal has been closure. I don’t have a lot of demands and expectations, really. I don’t want to back down.” time. I’m not stupid enough to think that I could convince myself that the affair never happened or that it’s possible to never feel the pain again. But what I want more than anything is closure. Because I feel like the closure will lessen the pain significantly. and let me get on with my life. I want to wake up in the morning and feel relatively normal. I don’t want the issue to be on my mind all the time. I don’t want to. I feel so hurt most of the day. The strange thing about all of this is that I’ve done everything I know how to keep going. I have received advice. I had a nasty confrontation with the other woman and I wrote her off. of my life. I have worked very hard to rebuild my marriage. And I have even told my husband that I have forgiven him. Mister. And yet I still feel trapped. I don’t feel the closure. My friend says that this is all a fallacy and that there is never a true closure. My friend lost a loved one to illness and she says that she will never be at peace with this loss, no matter how long it takes. She says that an affair is similar in that it can never be right again, which is what you really need to bring it to a close. Is right?”
I have heard people compare matters to tragedies like death before. I can see why the comparisons are made. But, with death, there are no second chances. It is final. And that is tragic and very painful. With an affair, sometimes you get a second chance. And if you save your marriage, it doesn’t have to be final. However, I kind of see the point of the friend, in the sense that he can never be erased.
However, I don’t think erasing is what you need for closure. And I think the way people define it is often the reason why they think they’ll never be able to make it. Let me explain what (at least in my opinion) closure is not.
What the closure is not: I find that people tend to think that when they get this closure, their life (and their marriage) will automatically be right again. Or they think the pain will mostly go away (or at least significantly lessen). They think the slate will be erased. They hope that they will suddenly regain their confidence and feel good about themselves once again.
People tend to think of closure as almost a threshold that they must cross and then see a great transformation. It’s like once you take that step, all the things I mentioned above will happen all at once. They imagine that the day this happens, all the weight is lifted.
Why I believe the shutdown is a gradual (and sometimes continuous) process: In my experience, it didn’t happen all at once. Instead, they were small improvements in small increments over separate periods of time. It was a gradual improvement. And some days I didn’t even notice. But people started commenting that I looked better and seemed more at peace. And over time, I realized that they were right. I started having chains and chains of good mornings. I began to build my confidence to transform my life in areas outside of my marriage. But I wasn’t always consciously thinking about it. I moved on when I felt better.
But I never thought that one day my life would be free of conflict or pain once I reached that threshold. I think I have closure. But there are still struggles in my life. There are still occasional problems in my marriage, although I am now well-informed on how to address them immediately so they don’t escalate. I still feel pain sometimes in all areas of my life.
The difference is that I now realize that I am better served by tackling these things myself. My husband doesn’t always notice when I’m not at my best or best. And even if he did, he wouldn’t know how best to help me. But I know how to do that. And because of all the work I’ve done, I’m very proactive when something isn’t right in my life. And I know that I have the power to change the things I can and handle the things I can’t. And I think that’s the closure, at least for me.
My definition: I am by no means an expert. But I hear from a lot of people who feel like there’s something wrong with them because they don’t have closure yet. I think this is partly because your definition is different from mine. You cannot undo what has been done. You can’t forget the past or erase the pain.
But this is what you can do. You can come to the very difficult (but very worthwhile) realization that you can only control yourself. But if you learn to do it right, you’ll have everything you need. Your well-being, your sense of self, your confidence, and your knowledge that you’re going to be okay all come from you.
And as soon as you realize that and accept that power, then to me, you have closure. Because the truth is that once you understand that you are going to have the best of you no matter what happens in your marriage or with your husband, then you can really close this chapter. Because you don’t need another person to act a certain way to satisfy your needs. You can do it by yourself. I know this sounds simplistic, but it’s the best and most honest answer I’ve got.
Closing is really about making a very conscious decision that you are going to give this piece of mind to yourself. You don’t need it from him and you certainly don’t want to spend another moment in the other woman’s presence. No one else can give it to you or take it away. It is the knowledge that you have closed this chapter regardless of what happens next. Because you’re going to be fine no matter what.
