I often hear from women who have been listening to excuses from a man whom they love very much but doesn’t want to commit to them. A very common excuse that a man will give is that he is afraid of a commitment because he never wants to get a divorce.

I heard a woman say, “My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. I know he loves me and I adore him. I want to get married. It’s time. But he’s reluctant. He says he has no problem living with me.” for the rest of his life. But he’s worried about commitment because he never wants to get divorced. I guess he watched his parents go through a very nasty divorce where both kids were pushed against each other. Directions. He said it was a nightmare he wouldn’t want never repeat again. So he is happy to live with me as if we are married, but he does not want the official commitment of marriage. What can I do? I will try to answer this question below.

Know that there are some powerful statistics behind your concerns: Trust me, I completely understand why you’re frustrated. But, just for a second, try to see this from their point of view. More than half of all the couples that get married today will end up divorced. And frankly, some of the couples who stay married are very miserable within that marriage. So this woman’s boyfriend had some pretty powerful stats on her side. He wasn’t making it up. These figures are real and the numbers are increasing. So it’s understandable that, as a child who went through one of these divorces, he is motivated by fear and avoidance.

And while it’s a common misconception that this is just an excuse, it can be a very valid concern that has nothing to do with your feelings for this woman. He willingly told her that he would spend the rest of her life with her. But for him, marriage represented the possibility of divorce, and this represented the very real possibility of pain. So it was important that she remain calm so that her future actions would not contribute to him associating her relationship with pain, since that was the last thing she wanted.

Don’t try to tell him that he is wrong or unreasonable: It is a very normal inclination to tell him that he is exaggerating or that he sees problems where there are none. What you need to understand is that this bread is extremely real to him. When he thinks about divorce, suddenly he’s that scared kid who feels like he has to choose between his parents. You don’t want to minimize this. You don’t want to imply that he imagined it or made it worse than it was because he was there and you weren’t. Instead, be very understanding. Offer him comfort. And don’t diminish what happened.

Don’t tell him that your relationship will be different. Show him instead: Many women in this situation will try to talk their way out of it. They will try to tell their man why their relationship is different and why they will never get divorced. The thing is, he knows you’re going to say anything to make him change his mind and actions are much more powerful than words. Instead of trying to argue that your relationship is different, show him that. Show him that yours is a very healthy relationship that is very different from his parents’ relationship. Show him that you resolve conflicts in a very healthy and loving way. Over time, you will come to know that you relate to each other in very different and much more positive ways than your parents.

Because the only way to overcome her fears is to show her that there really is nothing to fear. And this will sometimes require a little time, love and patience. But if his experience has shown him a loving partner with whom he can solve any problem, you will often realize that his fears are unfounded. And his love, calm and patience will mean a lot to him and go a long way to alleviate his fears.