Sometimes I hear of wives struggling with their husbands’ lies. Sometimes these lies have to do with very important things like money, fidelity, and marriage itself. Other times, the lies themselves are not about serious or last-minute topics, but the fact that he continually lies to you when he has no reason not to tell you the truth drives you crazy and is becoming a big problem within your marriage. Sometimes it all comes down to a matter of respect and decency. And you start to wonder if he is lying to you about the little things, does this also mean that he is lying to you about the big things? And if so, what does this mean about how he feels about you and about the state and future of your marriage? And what does this say about whether or not you can trust him?

I recently heard from a wife who said in part, “My husband lies about almost everything and this happens all the time. I catch him in white lies and big lies all the time. Sometimes he won’t tell me the truth about little things.” Little things that don’t make any difference, like him claiming he gassed up the car when he didn’t or even telling me he went somewhere for lunch when he was actually at work the whole time. Big lies. Like he said he paid a credit card bill when he actually didn’t. And we’ll get a late notice and we’ll have to pay the finance charges and he’ll pretend like he has no idea why the payment was late. and he will deny that he told me that he paid it. I live like this all the time and I am very tired of it. I wouldn’t stand for a friend or coworker lying to me that much, but I’m supposed to put up with this or tell myself it’s actually not that bad. I don’t understand why you feel the need to lie to me all the time. He’s so disrespectful and makes me think he’s not a good person and I don’t have a lot of integrity. Frankly, I’m starting to wonder if I want to stay married to someone who doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. Isn’t that what married couples are supposed to do? I wouldn’t lie to him, so why does he tell me lies almost every day?”

There probably isn’t a decent answer to these questions. Because there can be many reasons why people lie. Sometimes it’s just in his personality. Sometimes they just get into the habit of doing it because they think they have something to hide. And other times, they feel a strange thrill trying to see if they can get away with it. In the following article, I will offer some tips and advice on how a wife can effectively handle a husband who lies so much that she wonders if she can trust him.

Try to determine why you feel the need to lie all the time: The wife admitted that the husband had not always been a liar. When they were dating, he would tell the truth and not display this type of behavior. So I had to wonder what had changed. Was her marriage in trouble? Had they really developed problems? Was there any reason the husband felt that he could not trust his wife? Were his falsehoods a passive aggressive way of punishing or frustrating his wife? I encouraged the wife to try to remember when the lie started and see if there were any issues or issues that might have contributed to it. And, if those same problems are present today, then treating and eliminating them could be the first step to stopping the lies.

Let him know that the lie bothers you and get his attention when it happens: This wife admitted to me that she didn’t always call her husband out on his lies because it seemed to be of no use anyway. He would just roll his eyes and tell her that she was bothering him or insist that she was making a big deal about something that wasn’t a big deal at all, since he wasn’t exaggerating the truth about important things.

Frankly, the wife had no way of knowing if she was telling the truth about the content and gravity of her lies. So you certainly couldn’t blame the wife for doubting what he was telling her. I felt strongly that the wife had to take a stand.

I suggested a dialogue like, “Honey, we both know that what you’re telling me isn’t true. And we both know that you often tell me things that aren’t true. This bothers me more than I can tell you. And I just don’t I can tolerate it more. Can we talk about why you might feel the need to tell me more than the truth? Because I can’t continue having conversations with you that include falsehoods. It’s showing me disrespect. And it hurts. Plus, it erodes trust we need to have a good marriage. Can we talk about why you might be doing this and how we can fix it? More than anything, I want us to have an open, honest, and lasting marriage. Will you help me make that happen? Will you work with me?

Consider getting help for him if your efforts don’t work out: There was a possibility that there was some underlying problem in this couple’s marriage that caused the husband to be less than candid at times. Hopefully, once the couple addresses those issues, the honesty issue will improve greatly. However, if the improvements did not occur, then the couple might want to seek professional help to overcome the hurdle. There are many different types of advice and help. You don’t always have to go into someone’s office and bare your soul.

But it was very important that this couple address this issue because it was seriously affecting their marriage and the wife wasn’t sure how much longer she could tolerate this. Frankly, she shouldn’t be expected to put up with it indefinitely. Telling the truth is a common courtesy that most of us extend to basic acquaintances and even strangers, so surely we should extend it to our spouse as well.