Do you have horrible fights with your spouse? Not sure your marriage is going to last? Do you find yourself wondering, “Does marriage counseling work?” These are questions that are very common in marriages. Unfortunately, traditional marriage counseling is not very effective at saving your marriage.

Traditional marriage counseling relies heavily on a technique called active listening. Active listening involves one member of a couple voicing her complaints while the other listens and tries to understand. In theory, active listening should make the listener aware of how the person speaking is feeling.

This technique is cool and all… But it does NOT work when you’re fighting. Active listening will only make people say hurtful things to each other when they are angry about something.

This is where the problem lies with traditional marriage counseling. If you go to a therapist, they’ll try this active listening exercise on you… That’s why it’s estimated that the long-term success rate of marriage counselors is around eighteen percent.

So when does marriage counseling work?

One of the main aspects that can make couples therapy work is finding one that helps you nurture love and friendship between you and your partner. Good marital counseling will help you nurture your positive view of your spouse.

It may seem pretty obvious, but if you think of your partner as a close friend and trust and respect them, you’ll have a good buffer when the bad times come. If your friendship is strong, thoughts of separation don’t come up every time you and your spouse have some sort of conflict.

The best way to avoid this conflict and contempt is super obvious… but most people overlook the simple fact that you really need to like the person you’re married to, too. If you can find a way to remind yourself how much you like your spouse, you’re much more likely to avoid the nagging thoughts of contempt that break up so many marriages.

If your respect and admiration for your partner has faded, your marriage is in desperate need of some work. Without fundamental respect and trust, a healthy marriage cannot be maintained.

This is why the standard advice of “You have to learn to communicate…” often doesn’t work for troubled marriages. For your marriage to work, you need to regain the love and admiration you once had for your spouse. This really has nothing to do with communicating more effectively…

The first step in changing your marriage is to get in touch with your deep feelings of respect and affection for your spouse. The better you are in touch with these feelings, the more likely you are to survive the difficult parts of your marriage. Much of the traditional therapy focuses on communication and understanding without mentioning the fact that admiration and passion must first be returned to the marriage.